Don't Be McHatin'

Ok, not to put too fine a point on it, and at the behest of Cleavant Derrick, Kick-Ass kicked ass.

It's better than fricking ZOMBIELAND.

SEE it. See it NOW.

A puke-pile, by any other name...

Ignoring the warnings of my betters, I foolishly forked a small piece of potato salad harking back from Easter, chewed it, and swallowed, and realized it had turned. Now, my head is pounding. Alas, I am past vomiting for relief, it is 'down in thar'.

I may not be going to work tomorrow.

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

Psst, hey, Kentuckiana!

This one's for you.

There's this thing, that the other 49 states, and many nations throughout the inhabited earth do, using automobiles, that we like to call driving. Now, y'all have autos too, and I can only assume that you call what you do with them driving, but allow me to assure you, you aren't.

In point of fact, what you do with automobiles more closely resembles two monkeys fucking a football than it does driving. Here's a by-no-means all-inclusive list of examples.

• Drivers use this device on the left side of the steering wheel called a turn signal to inform other drivers of their intent to perform maneuvers like changing lanes or turning left or right. You spurn these devices as if they were made of plague and coated in feces.
  
• Drivers accelerate their vehicles in a relatively timely fashion to a velocity at or near the posted speed limit, and set their cruise control on the highway. You can't hold a steady speed with a gun to your heads, and the half of you that aren't going 15mph above the speed limit are going 5-10mph below it.
• Drivers pay attention to the roads, and to signs along the road, informing them of upcoming exits, lane closures, and constructions effects, and take appropriate measures, like getting in the right lane if the left is closed ahead, or slowing down to 55mph in a work zone. You ignorant sister-raping father-blowers just tool along utterly oblivious of the road ahead, until you reach a point 500 or less feet from the impending effect you should have adjusted for a mile or two ago, and assume that every car that HAS done so will simply stand on the brakes and wave you on through because, apparently, you're the King Shit of Turd Isle, and rules don't apply to your dumb ass.
• Truckers apparently lose all memory of proper driving techniques (or maybe it's just that the 60-day driving school dumb-shits are now so prevalent that the last remaining actual truckers are rarer than proverbial hen's teeth) as they cross the KY state line. This is obvious in little things they do, like driving in a manner more reminiscent of what someone driving a Ferrari Testerossa would do, rather than as someone at the helm of 80,000 pounds of steel and cargo could rightly be expected to. NEWS FLASH: You are NOT driving a Mustang, or an Impala, or anything other than the gigantic, slow-moving chunk of shit you're driving. It handles like a pig in shit, and accelerates like a river barge. If you're in a 70mph zone, are going 62mph, and the truck ahead of you is going 61mph, and there is a hill coming up, NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME TO PASS. WAIT UNTIL YOU GET OVER THE FUCKING HILL, MOUTH-BREATHER!! Those of us driving vehicles whose rate of acceleration is actually greater than 1mph per hour would not like to slam on our brakes and go off the road avoiding your ignorant dumb-shittery.

Now, there's other things too. As I said, this list is not at all complete. But if you could just work on this much, that would be dandy. In the meantime, have your sister sit up (and yes, that means your cock will no longer be in her mouth), turn off the cell-phone, beat your eleven-toed albino kids often enough that you don't need to yell at them in the car because they actually behave themselves, and generally try real hard not to suck.