Saturday, April 17, 2010

Don't Be McHatin'

Ok, not to put too fine a point on it, and at the behest of Cleavant Derrick, Kick-Ass kicked ass.

It's better than fricking ZOMBIELAND.

SEE it. See it NOW.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A puke-pile, by any other name...

Ignoring the warnings of my betters, I foolishly forked a small piece of potato salad harking back from Easter, chewed it, and swallowed, and realized it had turned. Now, my head is pounding. Alas, I am past vomiting for relief, it is 'down in thar'.

I may not be going to work tomorrow.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

Psst, hey, Kentuckiana!

This one's for you.

There's this thing, that the other 49 states, and many nations throughout the inhabited earth do, using automobiles, that we like to call driving. Now, y'all have autos too, and I can only assume that you call what you do with them driving, but allow me to assure you, you aren't.

In point of fact, what you do with automobiles more closely resembles two monkeys fucking a football than it does driving. Here's a by-no-means all-inclusive list of examples.

  • Drivers use this device on the left side of the steering wheel called a turn signal to inform other drivers of their intent to perform maneuvers like changing lanes or turning left or right. You spurn these devices as if they were made of plague and coated in feces.
  • Drivers accelerate their vehicles in a relatively timely fashion to a velocity at or near the posted speed limit, and set their cruise control on the highway. You can't hold a steady speed with a gun to your heads, and the half of you that aren't going 15mph above the speed limit are going 5-10mph below it.
  • Drivers pay attention to the roads, and to signs along the road, informing them of upcoming exits, lane closures, and constructions effects, and take appropriate measures, like getting in the right lane if the left is closed ahead, or slowing down to 55mph in a work zone. You ignorant sister-raping father-blowers just tool along utterly oblivious of the road ahead, until you reach a point 500 or less feet from the impending effect you should have adjusted for a mile or two ago, and assume that every car that HAS done so will simply stand on the brakes and wave you on through because, apparently, you're the King Shit of Turd Isle, and rules don't apply to your dumb ass.
  • Truckers apparently lose all memory of proper driving techniques (or maybe it's just that the 60-day driving school dumb-shits are now so prevalent that the last remaining actual truckers are rarer than proverbial hen's teeth) as they cross the KY state line. This is obvious in little things they do, like driving in a manner more reminiscent of what someone driving a Ferrari Testerossa would do, rather than as someone at the helm of 80,000 pounds of steel and cargo could rightly be expected to. NEWS FLASH: You are NOT driving a Mustang, or an Impala, or anything other than the gigantic, slow-moving chunk of shit you're driving. It handles like a pig in shit, and accelerates like a river barge. If you're in a 70mph zone, are going 62mph, and the truck ahead of you is going 61mph, and there is a hill coming up, NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME TO PASS. WAIT UNTIL YOU GET OVER THE FUCKING HILL, MOUTH-BREATHER!! Those of us driving vehicles whose rate of acceleration is actually greater than 1mph per hour would not like to slam on our brakes and go off the road avoiding your ignorant dumb-shittery.
Now, there's other things too. As I said, this list is not at all complete. But if you could just work on this much, that would be dandy. In the meantime, have your sister sit up (and yes, that means your cock will no longer be in her mouth), turn off the cell-phone, beat your eleven-toed albino kids often enough that you don't need to yell at them in the car because they actually behave themselves, and generally try real hard not to suck.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

DVD Wishlist

Recent purchases have at least caught me up to recent releases. I now have the new Trek movie, the theatrical Watchmen (but I'd really like the Director's cut), Ironman, and of course, Zombieland.

Stuff I'd love to see roll up in the future... (and it still shocks me that I don't own these yet)

Indiana Jones trilogy (TRILOGY. There is no fourth IJ movie. Don't tell me there is, la la la la la, I can't hear you.)

the Back to the Future trilogy

Evolution, fun and funny.

The Christian Bale Batman movies, even though the Michael Keaton ones were WAY better, these were pretty darn good. (I have the MK ones.)

Ghostbusters III, er, I mean The Frighteners.

The original Nightmare on Elm Street series of movies. Teen slashers at their very finest.

Speaking of series, any seasons of The Simpsons, Family Guy, Robot Chicken, the Sci-Fi Battlestar Galactica run, The Flash, Sliders, X-files, or G-Force: Battle of the Planets (nostalgia).

The Hulk (the Ed Norton one, don't try telling me there's another, la la la la la, I can't hear you)

I'm sure there's more, but it's late and I am tired.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ok, stop messing up MY joke...

I made the mistake of putting my joke about 4 nuns online at some point in the past, and it has been retold (poorly, oh so very poorly) a few trillion times, and is pathetic.

Here is the original, funny, joke:

Four nuns are returning home from a charity event when their Volkswagen is crushed by a semi truck. They find themselves in Heaven, standing in the express lane off to the side (12 sins or less). This line is run by St. Timothy as Pete continues to hog the action at the main gate.

St. Timothy smiles at the sisters (imagine his voice in the rich Irish brogue I deliver this in verbally) and addresses them as a group:

"Ah, suren begorrah, tis a sad day indeed to greet four sisters of the cloth, all so young. I shall ask but one question of ye lasses." He addresses the first nun: "Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun blushes shyly and nods.

Timothy gently asks, "With what did ye touch it?"

The nun holds up her right hand, pauses, then raises her left.

Timothy shrugs slightly, and says, "Wash your hands in the font of holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven. He turns to the second nun.

"Sister, same question. Have ye ever?"

She sighs and nods affirmatively.

"With what?" he asks in reply.

She motions to her rather full bosom.

Timothy lifts an eyebrow, gives a small shrug and rolls his eyes. "Bath your chest in the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven."

Now, while Timothy has been addressing the second sister, the third and fourth nuns have been holding a whispered argument. The third nun apparently loses, and they switch places.

Timothy, naturally curious about such an action, addresses his next question to the formerly fourth, and now third sister in line: "Why have ye taken your sister's rightful place in line?"

"There's no WAY I'm gargling that shit after she-" she jerks a thumb at the now fourth nun- "sits in it!"

In the future, I would appreciate that anyone telling this joke please not fuck it up. Also, yes, you HAVE to do Timothy's accent.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

One Sweet Friggin' Suite...

So, here I am in the Windy City, gettin' mah lern on fo' the company.

And I ain't exactly stayin' at the Motel 6...

It's the Wyndham.

Dude, it's friggin' suite.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Yay!! Free toy inside!!

Ok all you Magic: the gathering lovers out there, fire up a new browser tab, and go to, and download joy.

It's EVER so much fun!!!