Slaying Treebeard's Cousin

It was a long and bloody battle, but in the end, Man and Saw defeated Ent (Tree, Root, Leaf, and Branch).

Bunnyman and I were tasked on Saturday with finding, securing, transporting, and setting up the Castle Anthrax Annual Christmas Tree. The first three of those tasks we performed flawlessly and almost entirely without comment with the aid of Local Boy Scout Troop #42. Or should I say, we stood around with hands in pockets while said boy scouts and their scoutmaster did all the hard work, and I finished all that by driving it slowly back to Castle Anthrax, much to the consternation of River City's automobile-equipped.

It was only once we arrived at Castle Anthrax that the trouble began, but oh what trouble it was! Our adversary was a Blue Spruce, measuring well over six feet tall, weighing in at four sextillion tons, and completely armored above and below with razor-sharp thorn-like spikes amusingly misnomered as 'needles'. I wisely donned my $250 Leather Armor and Gauntlets of Yard Work before approaching our foe, which was wise indeed, as it's D&D stats include 15' of reach, 100 attacks for 1d4+2 damage each, a Base Attack Bonus of +14, and the Large and In Charge feat. In WoE stats, that comes out to Att 30 (with the ability to attack up to 100 times with no penalties to attack, defense, or fumble), Defense 54, Initiative 30, Damage 1d4+2, and a Damage Resistance of 240. (Hereafter, stats are given in D&D / WoE format.)

Bunnyman and I, being level 3 Commoners, were clearly in over our heads, as we were armed only with my Tool Bag of Electrical Controls Work / Class II Tinker's Kit, and a Tinfoil Tree Stand -2 of Enfeeblement / Cursed Tinfoil Tree Stand of The Gods Will Laugh at You.

Our foe proceeded to sped the next two hours beating us to a standstill, until finally, beaten and bloody, we retreated to the phone, to call in Superwife as reinforcements. Superwife was on her way back to Castle Anthrax with Super-Dependable Teen anyway, so she arrived, cast her spell of Martha's Transformation / Transform into Martha, and led us back into the fray, now being an impressive level 15 Aristocrat / Master Decorator (level 10 of Magistracy, Intuition, Willpower, and General Competence at Everything). Thus emboldened, Bunnyman and I charged in, renewed in spirit, and confident of victory.

And our foe performed his deadliest trick, Quickened Tree Stand Destruction / essence-powered Tree Stand Destruction. Our Tinfoil Tree Stand -2 of Enfeeblement / Cursed Tinfoil Tree Stand of The Gods Will Laugh at You promptly crumpled under this onslaught, setting even Superwife back on her heels momentarily. And then she bade us go forth on a holy quest for a Saw of Mighty Cutting and a Tree Stand of Puissance.

Daunted and fearful, we rode forth from Castle Anthrax to the Place of Many Shops, and bravely entered the outdoor store there. After reading the signs in the dirt (and maybe one or two hanging from bars near aisle fronts, we were sorta stumped, until Bunnyman espied and accosted a native guide, who pointed us to the objects of our quest, or at least, to the resting places of such things.

Saws were easy to obtain, there being many, and it was fortunate we went there first, for it could have been necessary to lay about us with it to obtain our second quest item, the Tree Stand of Puissance. There was but a single one of these storied relics remaining, and we pounced upon it like a starving man on a sausage inna biscuit.

Triumphantly, we bore our prizes back to Castle Anthrax, and, guided in the ancient rites by Martha/Superwife, we finally slew our foe, and mounted it.

So, you know, there's another tree standing indoors in another house this year. And man was it pissed.

And that is fricking it. I ain't lifting another finger to decorate for the rest of the season, possibly for the remainder of my days.